Lamest Villain: REVENGE made a big deal about ubervillain Malcolm… who was offed a couple episodes later. Seriously? What is wrong with this show? And who do we need to talk to in order to get it back on track?
Best Date: Sure, they arrived in a limo and sipping champagne, but thanks to guest host Jimmy Kimmel, THE BACHELOR and Katelyn wound up shopping at Costco “like real couples do.”
Most Ready To Sit In Judgement: With Mary Murphy having boarded the hot tamale train leaving the SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE station, Paula Abdul is set to join Jason Derulo, Nigel Lythgoe and longtime host Cat Deeley at the judges table. Look for Abdul to find new and interesting ways in which to compliment people who are truly awful.
Least Aware Of What They Are Selling: Continuing to completely ignore its own name, the network Animal Planet is adding a show called INSANE POOLS to a line-up that already includes such animal-less offerings as TANKED and TREEHOUSE MASTERS.
Best Rivalry: Put EMPIRE’s Cookie and Anika in the same room, and a good time is guaranteed.
Most Ironic Fact: More people tweeted about President Obama’s “I won both of them” remark than actually watched the State Of The Union address during which he made it.
Raunchiest Hour: First, THE HAVE & THE HAVE NOTS Candace repeatedly talked about Jim’s junk while feeling him up. Then, Celine dismissed Wyatt’s manhood by comparing it to a tube of lipstick. And that was all in the first 20 minutes!
Wrongest Rumor: Despite reports that Rosie Perez would not be returning to THE VIEW, co-host Rosie O’Donnell said Perez would be back at the beginning of February, urging people to not “believe everything you read in the press.”
Most Awkward Show: Could someone at MOMS decide if the show is a comedy or a drama, because the mix is getting downright weird. Halfway through Season Two, the series has already dealt with more social issues than a slew of those After School Specials we all grew up with!
Coolest Special: THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL marked its 7,000th episode — let that soak in for a second — with a fun look at what goes into the making of the soap. (If you missed it, head over to CBS.com and check it out!)
Biggest Disaster In The Making: NBC announced that figure skaters Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski will offer their “unique take” on the Super Bowl. Because… um… yeah. I got nothin’.
Best Prop: Whatever phone GENERAL HOSPITAL’s Sonny and Julian are using, we want one! The jailbirds use it all the time, yet it never seems to need charging!
Biggest Unanswered Question: AMERICAN HORROR STORY FREAK SHOW went out of its way to establish that when a freak performs on Halloween, Mordrake comes to claim one he finds worthy. While he did dispatch Elsa, he did not add her to his traveling band of ghouls. So who, exactly, did pay the price for Elsa’s hubris?
Most Foreboding Line: Anybody else get the feeling that JANE THE VIRGIN’s Michael may be heading for that great telenovela in the sky when the narrator told us that the guy loved his former fiancé “until he drew his last breath”?
