Good News: SUPER SIZE ME’s Morgan Spurlock will produce and direct THE SIMPSONS 20th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL IN 3-D ON ICE. Bad News: The special won’t actually be in 3-D or on ice! [Source]

Good News: Arguably, television’s most memorable survivor Richard Hatch was this close to returning to the series that put him on the map (and ironically enough, in jail for tax evasion) for SURVIVOR’s 10th anniversary “Heroes Vs. Villains” edition Bad News: Until that is, a federal judge in Rhode Island denied his request to leave home confinement early. [Source]

THE SIMPSONS (8PM FOX)
After swarms of unemployed workers from Ogdenville descend on Springfield, the mayor closes the borders and citizen Homer goes on border patrol. Which, as any SIMPSONS fans will tell you, means you should expect power to go to Homer’s head by… what, the eleven minute mark?

FAMILY GUY (9PM FOX)
Now far be it from us to suggest yet another alterna-”mother” theory, but is anyone else the least bit suspicious that all three male stars of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (Jason Segel, Neil Patrick Harris and Josh Radnor) are providing cameos on tonight’s FAMILY GUY season finale? Think about it.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (9PM ABC, CTV in Canada)
Good News: After a five year flash-forward and 22 episodes of waiting, Dave’s endgame finally comes to a close. Bad News: For Susan and MJ.

NEW & NOTABLE:
OUTBREAK (7PM AMC)
Just in time for the hysteria surrounding Swine Flu to have died down comes a film about a scientific team trying to stamp out a killer virus in a small California town. Good timing AMC, really, well done.

EXTREME MAKEOVER: HE (8PM ABC, E! in Canada)
After a single dad and three boys get their home re-built by the NBA’s Indiana Pacers. We ponder, as we do every Sunday, just how bad we would be willing to have it in order to get our very own Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I mean seriously, have you seen those houses?

SURVIVOR: TOCANTINS (8PM CBS, Global in Canada)
The tribe speaks for the last time, awarding one lucky Survivor 1 million dollars. (Editor’s note: Just how evident is it that we haven’t watched this show since Africa?)

LAW & ORDER: CI (9PM USA)
WEST WING Alum Alert: Janel Moloney guest stars.

IN PLAIN SIGHT (10PM USA)
WEST WING Alum Alert Part II: An orthodox Jewish witness (not played by Richard Schiff!) realizes he’s being followed by a strange man (played by Richard Schiff). Betcha didn’t see that one coming!

As several regular TV Addict reader’s were quick to point out, the votes are cast at the final Tribal Council, long before the live telecast at which the winner is announced. As a long-time SURVIVOR fan, I don’t know how the heck I could have forgotten that… but I did.

That’s why we have the best, smartest readers around: They keep us honest!

SCRUBS (8PM ABC, CityTV in Canada)
Dr. Cox… wait, are we reading this right? Dr. Cox actually praises J.D.? Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse?

BETTER OFF TED (8:30PM ABC, CityTV in Canada)
The company tries to create meatless beef in the laboratory. Quick, someone get us that “Where’s The Beef?” lady from the Wendy’s commercials on the line! She’s dead? Oh. Um, never mind.

LOST (9PM ABC, “A” in Canada)
Someone goes rogue and causes a whole lotta trouble for the others on the island. Based on the commercials that have been airing all week, I’m going with Sayid. He’s got “rogue troublemaker” written all over him.

NEW & NOTABLE:
SURVIVOR (8PM CBS)
Tonight’s episode is either a not-as-new-as-they’d-have-you-believe clipfest covering the first 15 days or a brand new episode. Commercials say one thing, listings say another. Guess you’ll have to tune in and find out!

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (8PM CW)
Cycle 3’s Tocarra hosts a sleepover for this cycle’s contestants. Oh brother. Then, the ladies take part in a posing challenge before doing a shoot in which they go to Ellis Island and pretend to be immigrants. “Give us your poor, your tired, your super hot…”

CHOPPING BLOCK (8PM NBC)
I was just asking someone yesterday if this show had been cancelled. Apparently, the answer is “no.” Or at least “not yet.” Tonight, the chefs incorporate “natural foods” into their menus.

CRIMINAL MINDS (9PM CBS)
A serial arsonist terrorizes a small town. Wouldn’t it be cool if they did so while singing “City on fire!” ala the crazy woman in Sweeney Todd?

LIFE (9PM NBC)
A coroner’s death becomes particularly troublesome when the team realizes that a whole lot of other cases could be comprimised by the outcome of this particular one.

CSI: NY (10PM CBS)
Okay, when our pals over at howrudeareyou.com kevetched about people who live in America but don’t speak English, some thought they were out of line. But on tonight’s CSI, the investigation into a subway shooting is complicated by the fact none of the witnesses speak the language. So take that, naysayers!

LAW & ORDER (10PM NBC)
The investigation into the murder of a television reporter digs up dirty details about a messy love triangle. Anybody else notice how many of tonight’s shows involve murders? No wonder I’m depressed by the time I finish the Wednesday-night listings!

Okay, folks, it’s officially time to grow up.

For those who haven’t heard, the Parents Television Council is up in arms following an accidental flash of penis revealed on the September 25 episode of SURVIVOR: GABON. (Go ahead do a quick Google image search. I’ll wait.)

I’m willing to bet that 95 percent of you would never have seen contestant Marcus Lehman’s no-longer private parts were it not for the fact that the PTC turned this flash-in-the-pan(ts) moment into a major scandal by filing an indecency complaint against CBS with the Federal Communications Commission and, in turn, making his the most seen crotch since Britney stepped out of a limo sans panties.

Seriously?

The American economy is in a freefall, we’re in danger of electing someone whose foreign policy experience amounts to having drunk her way around the world showcase at EPCOT as vice president… and this group thinks we should waste time being concerned about a dick flopping around on the TV screen for two seconds?

Do we really want to spend millions of dollars in lawsuits and investigations that will, as with the now-infamous Nipplegate (also, it’s worth noting, instigated by complaints from the PTC), result in nothing more than drawing a whole lot of attention to Lehman’s crotch?

In a statement, CBS stated that the incident was “a completely unintentional, inadvertent and fleeting incident that was virtualy undetectable when viewed in real-time.” In fact, the networks said that before freeze-frames of the image were plastered on the net, they’d received only one complaint. Which means that among the approximately 13 million who watched the episode, one person — in a nation prone to complaining — was disturbed enough to register their displeasure.

Until the PTC — those would-be guardians against smut — got involved.

In a statement that would be funny if not for the fact we suspect the PTC has no sense of humor, they responded to CBS by saying, “The number of ‘fleeting’ penises we expect to see on broadcast television is zero.”

One can’t help but wonder if any members of the Council have ever actually watched SURVIVOR, which regularly features women in bosom-bearing bras and men in underwear which leaves nothing — including their religious affiliation — to the imagination.

The lesson learned here — by everyone but the Council — is that there’s no such thing as bad publicity. While 13 million people may have watched last week’s episode of SURIVIOR, this week, the show is the talk of the nation.

You can’t buy publicity like that. But with a little luck, a group of prudes with their fingers on not the pulse of society but rather their remote control’s freeze-frame button will serve it to you on a silver platter. Maybe CBS should send the members of the PTC a fruit basket, or at least a very nice “thank you” card.

I have to admit that I skipped out on the first two hours of last night’s SURVIVOR fest. As exciting as this season has been, I found that I didn’t really care which of the four gals walked away a winner. I did, however, tune in for the reunion special, which is always a blast. Did someone forget to tell Jeff Probst when it was going to be? Is that why he showed up looking as if he hadn’t washed his hair for a week? That said, he’s such a pro and always knows exactly what questions to ask. He talks about the things we the viewers want to dish about, unlike a certain Chenbot whose BIG BROTHER interviews are just notoriously awful.

Right there at the top of my “things I love” list are classic bitch walks. You know, when you get all your main female characters lined up in a row, walking, usually in slow motion and often to music. And in the case of last night’s DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, it was doubly sweet to see Bree, Lynette, Susan and Gaby strutting down the street (toward a confrontation with Edie) because it was a reminder that when this show started, these gals were a united front. When the show loses that focus, things get wonky. That said, the show missed a major opportunity where the truth about Bree’s grandchild’s paternity was concerned. Any soap fan knows that when you have a secret that big, it needs to be revealed in a huge fashion… preferably at a very big social occasion like a party or a wedding. So it felt like something of a rip-off for Bree to basically tell her gal pals quietly… and off camera! In other developments, I’m not a big fan of plots that revolve around characters doing stupid things, and this episode was chock full of them. Gaby’s drug-dealing roomie leaving both incense burning and evidence of her crimes just kinda shoved under the bed; Lynette not even lowering her voice when she trash-talked Kayla to the shrink not two seconds after the girl suposedly went upstairs (if I think a child is evil, I might assume they’d be listening in); Mike supposedly telling his southern-fried mom that Susan sleeps in the nude. That’s a whole lotta stupid. But at least they gave us a great twist in the Mayfair saga (although, again, they need to be careful… this is starting to feel as isolated as those dang Applewhites) and a few solid laughs. Sometimes, that’s all you can ask of network television. (Sad as that is.)

The second the needle hit the record during the opening seconds of LOST, I knew this was gonna be a good one. From the John-related flashbacks to what may have been my favorite line of exposition this season (”Hopefully, the man who lives in the cabin can tell us what to do about the people who are going to kill us.”), this week’s tale definitely made up for last week’s less-than-thrilling hour. Of course, as always, more questions were raised than answered, (Especially once John entered that damn cabin, which left me with, to quote an AP article which came out last week after Paula Abdul’s infamous IDOL double speak, “the furrowed brow of mystification.”) And how precious was the scene in which Hurley and Ben shared a candy bar?

The minute Erik started talking about redemption during last night’s tribal council on SURVIVOR — and Cheri brilliantly spoke of his need to prove himself to be a man of his word — I knew that moron was going to hand over the individual immunity idol. Those rhymes-with-witches! Sitting around the fire, sanctimoniously going off on Eric as if they hadn’t lied to him (remember the crossed fingers a few weeks ago, when they swore they wouldn’t vote him out even while planning to do exactly that, only to have their plot derailed when he won immunity?) and tried more than once to throw him under the bus. That said, Lord, how I wanted to slap that boy. The jury just sat there shakin’ their heads as yet another shocking twist helped make this the most surprising season ever. As Parv said of the move, “You’ll officially go down as the dumbest survivor ever in the history of SURVIVOR. Ever.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Last week’s episode of LOST left me underwhelmed and convinced that it had originally been part of a two-hour offering, and after this week’s boffo installment, I’d bet cash money I was right. Given the relative debacle that unfolded after the show introduced the “tailies” last season, I was worried when upon hearing so many new people would be coming aboard in this episode. But each and every one of them were welcome additions, adding to the canvas as opposed to the tailies, who seemed designed as little more than a water-treading plot device. Heck, five minutes after we met Charlotte, I was in love with her… which was extremely important in order for the moment when Ben shot her to have an impact. Now some of the people who take LOST a whole lot more serious than I do tell me that the flashbacks in this episode don’t play be previously established “rules” regarding points of view and such, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m not one of the viewers who looks for hidden meaning or freeze-frames shots to figure out who’s hiding out in that freaky-deaky cabin. All I want is a good, exciting story, and even when I can’t necessarily remember every detail of what’s come before, LOST tends to deliver.

Answer me this, PROJECT RUNWAY fans: Was this week’s outing not the funniest ever? I swear, by the time Christian and Sweet P started arm wrestling, I was half convinced the contestants had been slipped some kind of drug. Even dour Jillian cracked a few smiles! During the runway show, it was obvious that Michael Kors and Nina Garcia had no clue what to think of the spandex numbers being worn by WWE divas. “I feel like the pope at a sex club!” said Kors at one point. Christian was obviously disappointed that his leather-and-lace outfit didn’t win, and rightly so. While he’s usually overconfident to the point of being obnoxious, this week, the kid rocked it and was — as he loves to proclaim — fierce. But I’m afraid the judges made the right call: There was no denying that Chris’ leopard-in-a-cage outfit was a total winner. By the way, is it just me, or should Chris totally be cast as Edna Turnblad the next time Broadway is looking to recast Hairspray? And that’s a compliment, people! Heck, I wish he’d played the role in the movie instead of John Rivolta.

How incredibly pissed do you think the producers of SURVIVOR are that Johnny Fairplay got himself booted the first week? As much as I might hate the guy — and I do — you know he’s great for ratings. Producers brought him back because they expected him to stir things up as only a true reality-tv whore can do. (Think Omarossa, THE REAL WORLD’s Trishelle and PARADISE HOTEL’s Toni Ferrari.) And what does Fairplay do? Get all weepy and ask to be sent home! Meanwhile, over on the fan side of the island, riddle me this, Batman: If Kathleen is such a big fan of the show, how can she not know that going around making idiotic remarks like “I have never had a homosexual male friend” and “I’ve never seen implants before” will get your flame extinguished quicker than one of those torrential downpours soaking the island?

Regular readers could probably guess this, but I am majorly stoked about the new season of BIG BROTHER, which begins next week. While last season’s “twist” — in which supposed enemies secretly wound up under the same roof — turned out to be a big ol’ bust, this cycle’s is promising. Let’s face it, there’s nothing we voyeuristic viewers love more than seeing a showmance develop. By sending 16 singles into the house and pairing them up with potential “soul mates” whom they must work, scheme and — oh, yeah, we almost forgot — sleep with, the producers have pretty much guaranteed this’ll be the steamiest season yet.

Oh my God. Every time I think I can’t possibly hate Bill O’Reilly more, he does something to prove me wrong. What this time? Well, first, let me offer a little backstory: During the final days of John Edwards ill-fated presidential campaign, he made a speech in which he mentioned that thousands of homeless veterans sleep under bridges. The next day, O’Reilly took Edwards to task, denying that vets were sleeping under bridges and basically challenging someone to prove him wrong. Well, of course, someone did by rounding up a group of homeless vets who Bill-O not only refused to meet with, but whom he actually made fun of on his broadcast. He took them to task for not having heard his inflammatory words themselves (apparently not understanding that homeless people under bridges don’t generally have televisions) and then listing a series of statistics about poor people in this country owning their own homes and having televisions, again apparently failing to understand the difference between “poor” and “homeless.” As criticism was fired at him from all directions, suddenly, Bill declared that on Thursday’s show he would be making “a major announcement” about veterans. What was it? Transparent is what it was. In an effort to stem the tide of fury being unleashed at his callous and inane remarks, Bill has “joined forces” with politicians looking to have a bill passed which would provide vets important new benefits. On Thursday morning, Bill’s website proclaimed, “We are proposing a new GI Bill with the help of Senator John Kerry.” Um, yeah, that’s great… except that this proposed Bill had been in the works since May, long before O’Reilly, in a desperate attempt to make himself look better, had even thought about getting involved. And on THE FACTOR Thursday night, Bill-O made clear that his soul involvement would be to criticize those who might try and stand in the way of the legislation being passed. In other words, Bill will do exactly what he always does. Way to put yourself on the line, dude! Look up “shameless” in the dictionary and you will find this pinhead’s picture there.

Is it time for season three of DEXTER yet? I seriously love that show. Yes, I’d be a tad happier if they didn’t write every season-concluding episode as if it were a series finale. Would it kill them to give a guy a cliffhanger?

Am I the only one who fast-forwards through SURVIVOR’s “remember your fallen tribe mates” crap each and every season? I suppose if you’re going to do a three-hour episode, it’s good to have a block of time in which everyone can go make snacks, phone loved ones, check their e-mail. And if there’s one thing I never, ever want to hear another contestant on this show say it’s, “I’m not ready to go home yet.” I’d rather listen to them whine and complain about wanting to go home than have the final four using the worst line in the book instead of just being honest and saying, “You know something? I worked every bit as hard as you did, and I want that cold, cool million bucks. So hell no, I don’t want you voting my butt out.”

Before the new season of BIG BROTHER begins in February, Julie Chen should be forced to watch Jeff Probst whether he’s hosting tribal council or a reunion show. This guy is both entertaining and asks the hard questions. He calls people on their moronic moves, and finds out what we all want to know. “Courtney, are you anorexic, bulemic or delusional?” or “James, you had two hidden immunity idols and didn’t use either. Are you a moron?” Okay, so I’m paraphrasing.

Reason #4,325,328 to hate Bill O’Reilly (but who’s counting?): The self-proclaimed culture warrior has declared war on those who’d rather say “happy holidays” as opposed to Merry Christmas. As always, people like him refuse to see that they are preaching the rhetoric of division. For him, the season is about Christmas and the birth of Christ, period, whereas for millions of people who celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Boxing Day still consider this, in the truest sense of the word, the “holiday season.” Thus, “happy holidays” is an inclusionary statement, whereas “Merry Christmas” is, by its very nature, exclusionary. Yup, I’ll be opening Christmas presents on December 25, but I’ll be signing the cards I send out “Happy Holidays.”

I don’t know that I needed two full hours of CLASH OF THE CHOIRS, but this show was a lot more entertaining than I could have imagined it would be. Of course, how could it go wrong, what with the “best and worst” auditions made so popular on AMERICAN IDOL (without the snarky determination to make those less talented feel small… are you watching, Simon?), celebs giving back (the winning choir will win $250,000 for charities in the city from which they hail) and some truly beautiful music. If you don’t smile watching Nick Lachey dance on the sidelines some kind of demented stage mom, you’re just not human. Call me a sucker, but this is feel-good television of the first order. If all reality television left viewers feeling this good, the genre would have a lot fewer detractors.

Over the summer, I watched all three seasons of GREY’S ANATOMY on DVD, and now I’ve watched the first two episodes of the fourth season. All I can say is that the way they are treated Callie is criminal. Look, I’ll admit to liking Izzy and George together. They’re cute in a sickening kinda way. But Callie was actually good for him, and I loved the conflict the relationship created between her husband and his friends. Here’s hoping karma sends her flying into McSteamy’s arms. And how great was the scene where Bailey — having been repressing her rage since being passed over as Chief Resident — went off on Karev and then sat back, looking as if she needed a ciggie ’cause venting was just about orgasmic for her. Great, great stuff.

I’m liking SURVIVOR more than I have in years, and I can’t really put my finger on why. But for the love of Oreos, won’t someone shove some form of sustenance down Courtney’s throat? That girl is scary thin. Like, Callista-Flockhart-during-the-ALLY-MCBEAL-years thin. Meanwhile, is it just me, or is this the year of the Christian on CBS’ reality shows? First we spent the summer listening to BIG BROTHER’s Amber and Jameka talk as if God had nothing better to do than sit around and smite their fellow houseguests, and now Leslie keeps talking about how she just needs a little private time with the Big Guy. Babe, you’re in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do for hours at a time… how much more alone time with the notorious G.O.D. do you need?

I love THE OFFICE, but sometimes they just take Michael a step too far. Or, as in the case of this past episode, about three miles too far. Even Michael Scott isn’t stupid enough to drive into a lake because a GPS system told him to. Had they played it that he was completely distracted by something and just sort of blindly doing as instructed by the car, I’d have bought it. Maybe. But that’s not how it came off at all. I will, however, forgive the show, because so much of what they’re playing this season is working like a charm. The cutaways are better than ever. My favorite? Kelly telling Ryan that she’s pregnant, and then, in the cutaway/interview, just silently shaking her head “no.” And thanks, Phyllis, for making me feel better about not being able to nimbly tap those tiny keys on a Blackberry!

For my money, the second episode of CANE was even better than the first. But once again, the promos shown at the end of last week’s episode made it look awful! Who’s in charge of these segments? Are they trying to kill the show? I hope not, because I’m just about ready to crown CANE the best new show of the fall season… assuming, of course, that we’re putting PUSHING DAISYS in a class of its own. And why wouldn’t we, since a show is, for once, living up to all the advance buzz which surrounded it.