On this morning’s edition of THE EARLY SHOW, MURPHY BROWN star Candice Bergen revealed that Heather Locklear was in fact the network’s first choice to play the show’s titular character.

This Thursday, WILL & GRACE alum Megan Mullally will drop by PARKS AND RECREATION to play the ex-wife of Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), who according to the Pawnee politico himself may-or-may-note-have been “programmed by someone from the future to destroy all happiness.” More surprising still, Mullally is Offerman’s wife in real life.

Now pay attention, because this one’s a doozy: Teri Hatcher’s fictional small-screen son MJ played by Mason Vale Cotton on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES is the real-life brother of Rachel Griffiths fictional TV son Cooper Whedon played by Maxwell Perry Cotton on BROTHERS & SISTERS. Got that?

Why did Jennifer Grey have the time of her life guest starring on the upcoming November 18th episode of THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE? It probably had something to do with getting paid to spend the week with her off-screen better half Clark Gregg.

Regardless of whether FLASHFORWARD’s special agent Demetri Noh really ends up dead by April 29th, 2010, of this we know for sure. We’d kill for John Cho’s genes, who if his imdb profile is to believed, is actually 37!

Good News: Seth MacFarlane’s upcoming variety show FAMILY GUY PRESENTS: SETH & ALEX’S ALMOST LIVE COMEDY SHOW just got the kind of publicity money can’t buy after the Parent’s Television Council warned potential advertisers to stay away. Bad News: For the Parents Television Council, who you’d think after all these years might have realized that nothing builds up interest in a show like their ludicrous Fatwas on funny. [Source]

Good News: As series star Jesse Tyler Ferguson quite accurately pointed out via his twitter account, “For all u 18-49 year olds who have been bellyaching that Glee & Modern Family are on at the same time, u can watch MF guilt free tonight.” Bad News: GLEE is a repeat. [Source]

GLEE’s Jane Lynch, for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. In the hand of almost any other actor, an ultra-competitive cheerleading coach whose win-at-any-cost attitude compels her to not only separate the GLEE Club into competing factions based on the color of their skin, but ‘out’ a pregnant student’s ’secret life’ would be both horrific and offensive. Yet in the hands of Jane Lynch, it’s funny. Really funny.

MODERN FAMILY’s Ed O’Neill, for Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series. Now that William Shatner is no longer eligible for his annual Emmy nod, voters are going to need another rich old white guy they can shower with praise. Enter Ed O’Neill, who in MODERN FAMILY’s fourth outing of the season continued to set the perfect tone for the craziness that goes down in the Dunphey-Pritchett abode. With bonus points for his faux outrage towards son Mitchell upon ‘discovering’ that ex-wife Dede was a surprise Sunday-night dinner guest.

MODERN FAMILY’s Shelley Long, for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series. And speaking of ex-wife Dede. Shelley Long’s performance as Jay’s sexually-frustrated uber-critical ex-wife who has yet to move on from the mortifying ‘incident’ that had her creating quite the scene at Jay and Gloria’s wedding not only had us howling with laughter (”I knew they were perfect for each other when I saw his wallet and her boobs!”), but had us checking Amazon for CHEERS DVDs. Seriously, we had no idea Shelley Long was that funny, or that she was capable of such a bang-on Gloria impersonation!

MODERN FAMILY’s “Do Me,” for Outstanding Music and Lyrics. Come’on admit it, you too haven’t stopped singing Dylan’s opus to girlfriend Haley. Which incidentally, you can download for free right here.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ Drea De Matteo, for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. It ain’t easy being the new wife on Wisteria Lane, especially with everybody knowing you’ve got a dark secret because, well, doesn’t everybody? But DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES struck gold with De Matteo’s Angie, who is tough as nails and is exactly the type of woman the word “fierce” was invented to define.

Last year, I’d all but written the women of Wisteria Lane off for good. The season’s mystery was as slow-moving as it was predictable, and the subplots were mostly one-episode self-contained silliness with the emotional depth of a puddle. The entire mess built to a cliffhanger — who did Mike marry? — that wasn’t exactly going to have people sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for the show to return.

Well, guess what, kids? The HOUSEWIVES are back, and they are on fire!

Two episodes into the new season, the entire show feels reinvigorated. There’s a new family on the block, as usual, but unlike the Applewhites or Mayfairs, the Bolens are both intriguing and mysterious. There’s the brutish dad, tough-talking mom and thuggish son, all of whom were thrust immediately into the unfolding action. By the end of the first episode, Susan’s daughter, Julie, had been strangled, setting off a “who done it” that at first glimpse seems fairly obvious and yet might well have been designed to deceive.

Better still are the secondary storylines involving our beloved wives: In perhaps the boldest story to be told on the primetime sudser in years, Lynette is pregnant (again) with twins (again), and finds herself realizing that she might not actually want more children. Felicity Huffman has, for my money, always given HOUSEWIVES its soul, and she’s never been better than in the scenes in which Lynette tries reconciling what every woman is “supposed” to want with the unsettling fact that she doesn’t. Meanwhile, the affair Bree started last season with Susan’s ex-husband, Carl, has been given unexpected resonance in the wake of his daughter’s attack. I’m not quite sure what to make of seemingly-unbalanced Katherine, who has gone a bit nutso since being dumped by Mike, but Dana Delaney is giving a stellar performance that makes it almost believable. Even Gabriella — a character who has never really developed in accordance with the blows life has dealt her — seems more mature this season as she deals with Carlos’ teenage niece and the chaos she’s brought into their lives.

So far, it’s looking as if HOUSEWIVES is making an early bid for the title of “Most Improved Show” on our annual Year In Review list. After two lackluster seasons, Wisteria Lane is once again the place to be on Sunday nights!

Did GOSSIP GIRL really expect us be buy those studious students?
We totally buy that college students would opt to watch Vanessa’s documentary over attending Blair’s cocktail party. Not. Sorry, but no matter how annoying the hostess, the first rule of college is “free booze is free booze.”
 

Was there a light shining directly in Wentworth Miller’s eyes for the entire duration of the LAW & ORDER: SVU season premiere?
That’s the only way to explain the fact that he squinted through the entire episode. If PRISON was his BREAKout performance, this one might have shown that he’s a one-hit wonder.
 
How long can actors really be expected to remain in high school?
THE VAMPIRE DIARES alone features both Paul Wesley (who, as Paul Wasilewski, was playing a teen on GUIDING LIGHT back in 1999) and Kayla Ewell (who was a FREAKS & GEEKS high schooler in 2000). That’s a long time for even the slowest of slow students to be held back!

 
Does EASTWICK seem determined to bewitch female viewers with a plethora of hunky eye candy?
That’s a rhetorical question, kids. Between Matt Dallas (KYLE XY), Jon Bernthal (THE CLASS), Johann Urb (DIRT), Christian Alexander (GENERAL HOSPITAL) and Paul Gross (DUE SOUTH), EASTWICK easily wins the title “sexiest show on television.”
 
Has DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES gone to the same well once too often?
The Applewhites. The Mayfairs. Orson Hodge. Dave Williams. And now, the Bolen family with the brooding son, the brutish dad and the literally-scarred mom. Here’s hoping the show doesn’t try to drag the “who attacked Julie”/new family mystery out for the entire season, but if history has taught us anything, it’s that this show hasn’t ever learned from the mistakes of its own past.

When we last left our friends over on Wisteria Lane, everybody’s favorite plumber Mike Delfino was in the midst of saying “I Do.” Unfortuantely, no thanks to spoiler-phobe creator Marc Cherry (who would be the first to admit he has a flair for the dramatic) fans are still waiting to discover whether Susan or Katherine is the lucky bride. That is, until now. Where, if you ask us, these first look photos from the upcoming sixth season premire of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (airing Sunday September 27 on ABC at 9PM, CTV in Canada) that feature a euphoric Susan and a not-so-happy Katherine provide for some pretty conclusive evidence. Wouldn’t ya say?

Good News: The TV Addict was invited to screen two new episodes of GLEE this afternoon in New York and/or LA. Bad News: The TV Addict does not live in New York and/or LA. [#FML]

Good News: TORCHWOOD’s five-episode season 3 miniseries has become so popular in the UK that it has become a trending topic on Twitter. Bad News: Thus spoiling it for everyone outside of the UK who still have to wait two weeks for the series to surface on BBC America. [Source]

Good News: LOSTermind Damon Lindeloff vows that the show’s ending “won’t be vague and ambiguous,” promising that “there will be a lot of answers.” Bad News: Adding, “We’ve no plans to continue the story of LOST beyond year six.” Putting a rest to our hopes dreams for a big screen movie… comic book… webisode… anything? Seriously what are we going to talk about when this show is over?! [Source]

For far too long, major cliffhangers have been relegated to the daytime soaps (and even many of them seem to have lost touch with the art they perfected many moons ago) and primetime’s season finales. But I’m happy to report that the cliffhanger is alive and well… and being used to great effect by some of television’s most intriguing dramas.

Although last night’s season premiere of TRUE BLOOD seemed headed toward a “Sookie dumps Bill… again” ending, the show wisely avoided breaking the pair up in favor of a shocking cliffhanger in which Eric’s animal side came out as Lafayette cowered in fear, leaving us to wonder what the heck is going on in that weird torture chamber (which seems to be located beneath a salon based on the villainous vamp’s interrupted-in-progress dye job!).

And no currently-airing show does better cliffhangers then the woefully-underappreciated HARPER’S ISLAND, which quickly realized that the weekly murders were an interesting hook but not nearly as effective at bringing viewers back as the shocking final-moment clues as to the killer’s identity. “It’s all about you!” uttered one character to our heroine, Abby, before biting the bullet. And the creepiest kid on television — Madison, as perfectly played by Cassandra Sawtell — ended the latest outing with a stunning bit of info that seemed to indicate Abby’s dad might be the killer.

Another spookfest, SUPERNATURAL, proved this season that it could excel silmutaneously at two seemingly mutually exclusive formats: stand-alone episodes and those with mythology-related cliffhangers, many of which also worked on the emotional level tied to the major bumps our favorite ghostbusters hit in their brotherly relationship.

Interestingly, the art of the cliffhanger has, for some time now, seemed lost to those in charge of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, the show which should have been able to single-handedly revive the concept in primetime. Instead, it has relied for far too long on endings that were either trite, predictable or, worse, had no “tune-in-tomorrow” factor whatsoever. Someone needs to inform Marc Cherry that once we know a bad guy is bad — and yes, Dave, we’re talkin’ about you — there’s no suspense to having a voiceover tell us (gasp!) he’s plotting to do something bad.

Here’s hoping that network execs realize that if you don’t give people a reason to come back, they just might take you up on the non-invitation!

THE SIMPSONS (8PM FOX)
After swarms of unemployed workers from Ogdenville descend on Springfield, the mayor closes the borders and citizen Homer goes on border patrol. Which, as any SIMPSONS fans will tell you, means you should expect power to go to Homer’s head by… what, the eleven minute mark?

FAMILY GUY (9PM FOX)
Now far be it from us to suggest yet another alterna-”mother” theory, but is anyone else the least bit suspicious that all three male stars of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (Jason Segel, Neil Patrick Harris and Josh Radnor) are providing cameos on tonight’s FAMILY GUY season finale? Think about it.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (9PM ABC, CTV in Canada)
Good News: After a five year flash-forward and 22 episodes of waiting, Dave’s endgame finally comes to a close. Bad News: For Susan and MJ.

NEW & NOTABLE:
OUTBREAK (7PM AMC)
Just in time for the hysteria surrounding Swine Flu to have died down comes a film about a scientific team trying to stamp out a killer virus in a small California town. Good timing AMC, really, well done.

EXTREME MAKEOVER: HE (8PM ABC, E! in Canada)
After a single dad and three boys get their home re-built by the NBA’s Indiana Pacers. We ponder, as we do every Sunday, just how bad we would be willing to have it in order to get our very own Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I mean seriously, have you seen those houses?

SURVIVOR: TOCANTINS (8PM CBS, Global in Canada)
The tribe speaks for the last time, awarding one lucky Survivor 1 million dollars. (Editor’s note: Just how evident is it that we haven’t watched this show since Africa?)

LAW & ORDER: CI (9PM USA)
WEST WING Alum Alert: Janel Moloney guest stars.

IN PLAIN SIGHT (10PM USA)
WEST WING Alum Alert Part II: An orthodox Jewish witness (not played by Richard Schiff!) realizes he’s being followed by a strange man (played by Richard Schiff). Betcha didn’t see that one coming!