The TV Addict 

I seriously fall more in love with ONE TREE HILL every week, Trust me, no one on the planet is more surprised by this development than me. But this show isn’t just a guilty pleasure… it is the guilty pleasure of the season. I mean, last night’s episode gave us everything… including the rare male bitchwalk. (You know… that scene in every show from BUFFY to POPULAR in which a group of hot chicks strut down the hall in slow motion to a pulsating soundtrack… which is exactly what we got when Lucas, Nathan and the team entered the gym for the game.) I was never a fan of Peyton… until the show turned her into a viper.When Brooke urged her gal pal to take the high road, I was shouting “No!” And damned if things didn’t go to hell when she blew Lindsay out of the water with news that Lucas had given her a hand-me-down ring. (Although frankly, I’d have held onto that bombshell until the wedding day.) And didn’t it seem odd that Mouth opted to cover his first game by sitting in the school’s hallway? But I really love that a shooting which happened four years ago continues to haunt the characters. Sure, that probably wouldn’t be the case were it four seasons later as opposed to a result of the fast-forward, but I’m still gonna give the show props.

I can only compare CBS’ BIG BROTHER and Showtime’s live AFTER DARK presentation as perhaps the best illustration ever put forth of the difference between edited, pre-packaged “reality” and unfiltered, uncensored reality. For every night when the camera focuses on such incredibly boring yet oh-so-real minutia as Joshua brushing his teeth or Ryan smoking his millionth cigarette there are the jaw-dropping moments such as Natalie and Chelsia’s full-frontal striptease followed by the orgiastic make-out session held by the housemates in the pool. Yeah, CBS definitely got their money’s worth out of that inhibition-loosening margarita party. And every time the camera cuts to showmancers Chelsia and James making out, I can’t help wondering how she’ll react upon re-emerging into society and learning about that videotape making the rounds in which he swaps spit with a guy before… well, you’ll just have to google it. God knows Julie Chen won’t get the reaction shot I’m dying to see. After Jen proclaimed that her boyfriend was a racist — and then vehemently denied having said as much when confronted by the guy — my best friend and I wondered what the girl was thinking. But when Jen and Parker were evicted and Julie Chen failed to ask, “How do you think Ryan will react to learning that you did, in fact, call him a racist?”, the real question became how Chenbot keeps her job.

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Last week, Jim Werdell, the chairman of MENSA — you know, those people who are smarter than not only a fifth grader, but you and me, too — released a list of the 10 brainiest shows on the aptly named boob tube. And for many critics, his list might just as well be titled “Fighting Words.”

The show which seems to be creating the biggest outcry is the inclusion of the classic NBC sitcom MAD ABOUT YOU. Apparently, that witty, winning look at the joys and trials of marriage is not considered by many to be “worthy” of the list.

Did I mention that the list includes CSI?

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I sincerely hope some media watchdog group out there analyzes Tuesday night’s extensive coverage of the primary results and offers up a report on how often networks (including MSNBC and Fox News) prematurely called elections which wound up going to someone other than the candidate they predicted. Personally, I believe there should be a moratorium on all election result coverage until after every polling place has closed. While I realize this would mean that, God forbid, people actually have to wait for accurate, full results, I can’t help wondering how many people who have not yet gone to their polling center see that a candidate has already won (”… with five percent of the vote counted”) and opt not to vote.

Okay, on to less important topics. Like ONE TREE HILL. Holy crap, this show gets better by the week. And remember, this is coming from someone who tried and tried to even tolerate it before the four-year fast-forward. The scenes between Skills and Jamie alone were worth the price of admission. Throw in the Peyton/Bitchtoria battle, the wonderfully awkward dinner, Peyton literally throwing the book at Lucas and that adorable girl who serves as Brooke’s assistant and this was soapy fun at its finest. My own quibbles (and come on, it wouldn’t be me if there weren’t at least a few) are that I’d like to see Mouth’s story intertwine more with those of everyone else (which will no doubt happen when he and Brooke’s assistant hook up), and the fact that Victoria’s response (”Whatever.”) to Brooke’s heartfelt “I love you” felt completely fake. I mean, there’s being a bitch and then there’s… well, that. Otherwise, however, this show is on a role. If it’s not careful, it might just go from “guilty pleasure” to just plain pleasure. Bonus kudos to the promo department for luring us in with that kiss between Nathan and the nanny… only to have the buss turn out to be one in a brilliantly-executed series of dream sequences.

Some of you may remember that I was excited about the return of PARADISE HOTEL. Okay, excited might be something of a mild understatement. And after some slow going, Monday night’s PH2 eventually morphed into the kind of hot mess that made the first season such gloriously trashy viewing. So far, none of the models… er, contestants have morphed into characters as memorable as 2003’s psycho Zach, explosive Toni or Charla, the eventual winner who will always be remembered for the truly hard to watch scene in which she admitted that the touch of roomie Dave made her “skin crawl.” But Raheim is an egomaniacal time bomb who is only a few ticks away from exploding, pretty-boy James seems like the type who will do some serious damage and Tidisha has some serious self-esteem issues waiting to turn her into a sloppy mess. And did I mention the virgin cheerleader? It is tough, however, to sink into this debauchery knowing that one of the guests, Nathan Clutter, passed away this past October. Fox Reality is doing its best to sell us the sleeze, and yet their web page notes that Nathan “touched everyone he encountered with his thoughtfulness and decency.” True as those words may be, it’s tough to sell decadence and decency on the same web page. And make no mistake, they’re selling sex. The “backstage secrets” webisode features a perky hostess saying, “The first episode started off with a bang. Well, there wasn’t any banging, but…”

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Okay, I’m not saying I didn’t love last night’s episode of LOST — cause I did, even crying not once but twice thanks to Hurley (please, please, please, someone give Jorge Garcia an Emmy!) — but I truly don’t get the media’s turning last night’s episode into the Second Coming. Let me quote the review USA TODAY ran in its review yesterday: “Returning with a heart-stopping, perfectly pitched episode that fulfills all the promise of last season’s stunner of a finale… blah blah blah.” Okay, I made up the last part, but seriously? Heart-stopping? The writer — Robert Bianco — went on to say the episode was a “tense, emotional outing in which secrets are revealed, questions are answered and — yes, inevitably, new questions are raised.” I’ll give him “tense” and “emotion-filled” but can anyone tell me what secrets were revealed? What answers were given? Cause I’m coming up short in that department. Like I said, I thought it was a good episode (and heck, given the writers strike, it’s almost enough when any show gives me a new episode), but let’s cut back on the superlatives, shall we?

I’m surprised how much I enjoyed the premiere of ELI STONE. I can’t help wondering if this is going to have the legs to remain as wildly entertaining over the long-haul, but for now, it’s a pleasant enough diversion. The quick pace, fun visuals and quirky dialogue (”For a guy with auditory hallucinations, you sure are judgemental!”) were exactly what I look for in a show. (Throw in an imaginary dance number and I’m yours forever!) And the leading man couldn’t be more appealing. Jonny Lee Miller is handsome in a non-threatening way that allows actual the actual everyman to see himself in this fictionalized version of himself. And for the record, I will watch anything featuring my favorite sassy lady, Loretta Devine. Too bad the advertising department gave away one one of the funniest bits in the pilot. Imagine how funny the revelation that George Michael was providing the soundtrack to Eli’s new life would have been if we hadn’t already known thanks to endless ads? That said, although I entered with skepticism, STONE has definitely carved itself out a place in my heart.

I’ve finally realized why I’m nuts about the revamped version of ONE TREE HILL: It’s basically morphed into MELROSE PLACE. I was never a big fan of BEVERLY HILLS 90210, which is what HILL most closely represented before fast-forwarding four years. And I stopped tuning into MP when the show became obsessed with trying to top its own wild plots (shortly after the infamous episode in which krazy Kimberly blew up the apartment compex). But right now, HILL is reminiscent of MELROSE PLACE when it was at its best: cardboard actors walking through see-through plots (who didn’t see the obsessed nanny coming a mile away?) and yet somehow wildly addictive. Kudos to the show for turning one of MP’s most undervalued players, Daphne Zuniga, into their own mini-Amanda. Wonder how long it’ll be before Brooke’s mom beds both of the Scott boys?

I tried watching MOMENT OF TRUTH this week, but it really tried my patience. Maybe I wanted the guy in the hot seat, George, to sweat more.But whether admitting that he’d stolen money and let someone else take the blame or confessing to having made a pass at one of his girlfriend’s pals, he came off as smug and somewhat obnoxious. Meanwhile, I can only hope with all my heart that FOX - having recently been approached by representatives for Drew Peterson in the hope of landing him on MOMENT OF TRUTH - will keep in mind how the public reacted to news that they planned to air an interview with O.J. Simpson. There’s a reason that lie detector test results aren’t admissible in court and have become a staple on reality television shows and DR. PHIL episodes.

I’m gonna go ahead and declare last night’s finale of CROWNED the most cheesetacular episode of reality TV so far this season… and I mean that in the best way possible! We had a bathing suit-clad contestant collapsing (well, okay, squatting) on stage, villainess Laura (boo! hiss!) screwing up her song during the talent portion and an “ambush desashing”! Plus, Carson taught us all a new word sassitude (which the QUEER EYE guy kindly explained to the heterosexually impaired — or just plain dumb — is a combination of “sass” and “attitude”). And here I thought the show couldn’t possibly top last week’s episode, in which Patty upchucked into a box.

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Forgive me, TVAddict, for I have sinned.

Either that, or crappy shows have gotten a whole lot better than they once were. Yeah, let’s go with that. Because otherwise, I’m going to have to eat a bit of crow, and there’s nothing that gets stuck in my craw like crow.

That said, I have to admit that two shows which I’ve dissed in the past — one of which I even went so far as to declare my hatred for (earning myself the wrath of its disciples) — have won me over.

Now, let’s not get crazy. I’m not going to go around proclaiming my love of SUPERNATURAL and ONE TREE HILL. It’s not as if snocones are being dished out in Hell.

But I will admit that I’ve… warmed to them.

Especially SUPERNATURAL.

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Wonder if ABC is kicking itself for having wasted their remaining episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES to try and lure viewers — much as Bree used son Andrew — to CASHMERE MAFIA. Had it worked, they’d be called brilliant, but as the ratings proved, even strike-deprived TV fans had little interest in Darren Star’s attempt to beat SEX AND THE CITY author Candace Bushnell to the punch. How bad were the numbers? Let’s just say that the second hour of AMERICAN GLADIATORS took a hit out on the MAFIA gals.

I was wildly uncomfortable with the whole “Bree pimps her son to an older guy” storyline on DH… which means it was wildly successful. Let’s face it… a good, adult-skewed dramedy should, on occasion, make us squirm. And that sure wasn’t going to happen with the ridiculous “Lynette has an epiphany” crap. Although I have to say, Felicity Huffman can make just about anything work. When Lynette was running around that field with Ida’s ashes, how radiant was Huffman? Given the opening sequence in which Edie clasped Karen’s hand, wouldn’t it have been nice if she’d played into that storyline, too? What the hell does Nicollette Sheridan have to do to get a storyline?

Now onto MAFIA: Only a show created by a man (Darren Star) and written by another man (Kevin Wade) could think it was a good idea to have the first five minutes feature Lucy Liu as a girlie-girl. Within the first 10 minutes, this show shoved every stereotype and cliche down our throats, and tried washing it down with a plot that was beyond predictable. How bad was it? The nanny quit, one of the ladies actually said “It’s 2007, she can have it all!”, the newly engaged couple were made competitors, a teen walked in on her mom having sex and there was a “woman with a penis” joke. We’re talking first 10 minutes, kids. And of course, what would a male-conceived show centering on women be without a beautiful gal questioning her sexuality (with her first kiss set, of course, to the tune “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman”)? And should any of my real-life friends be reading this, a note: If you’re going to tell me that the person I love is cheating, doing so right before the party at which I’m going to be honored is definitely not the right moment. Of course, it all ends with hoisted champagne glasses and a round of “I don’t know what I’d do without you girls.” Were this all even mildly amusing or compelling, these flaws might be forgiveable. Sadly, it’s not. The cast is uniformly excellent and luminous (particularly Miranda Otto’s Juliet, who is sheer perfection as the icy, cheated-upon wife who vows revenge)… too bad nobody thought to give them a script equally sparkly. The last line is, “This is going to be fun,” but I can’t say I’ll be sticking around to find out if that proves true in future episodes. Hopefully, LIPSTICK JUNGLE will show the MAFIA chicks how it’s really done.

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Am I alone in thinking that the GOSSIP GIRL storylines involving the adults tend to be more interesting than those of our central teens? Sure, the kids get the good lines (”I don’t speak Ukranian, but I do speak envelope of cash, and he understood me perfectly.”) but they don’t always click as real human beings. Frankly, I might just be wishing that the characters were as well-defined as they are in the books upon which the series is based. That said, I have to admit that Ed Westwick’s Chuck Bass is one of the most deliciously vile creatures to slither onto the TV screen in ages. Far and away the best line of the night was young Eric intoning to his sis, “Mom looks about as happy as grandma at last call.” Speaking of whom, bring back CeCe, pronto! I miss the old gal!

I really loved LAW & ORDER: GOSSIP GIRL DIVISION this week. I mean, the beautiful, blonde rich girl murdered by the brunette socialite whose world she threatened to rock? It was pretty hard not to think about S and B and the rest of their Upper East Side co-horts, especially given the promos for the real GOSSIP GIRL which have been running for weeks and made it seem as if someone was gonna bite the bullet. This was the SVU that I once knew and loved… fun story, great actors and absolutely no personal info about the detectives. The L&O mothership, meanwhile, didn’t thrill me with its season premiere. First of all, two separate episodes does not make for a “two-hour premiere!” Then again, the first hour was so yawn-inducing that I’m glad it didn’t go on for 120 minutes (although it seemed twice that). Is it really the best idea for a show which once prided itself on refusing to get personal where its leads are concerned to kick off the season delving into the personal issues of new cop Jeremy Sisto? Worse, the plot was yet another retread of the tried-(or should I say tired) and true assisted suicide storyline the show has trotted out time and again. The second hour’s story was more interesting, although it was amazing how quiet Manhattan seemed during the blackout which played a crucial role in the unfolding drama, and they relied on yet another overused plot device by having the earnest attorney tell the cops to go ahead and execute a search warrant he hadn’t actually obtained. Wake me when they run out of new episodes and start rerunning the classics.

Why do bad people keep on winning? I’m tempted to quit watching THE AMAZING RACE now that Kynt and Vixen — aka the good-hearted goths — have been eliminated, especially since they lost to Nate and Jen. Nate’s got a bit of a temper, but who can blame him given the nasty piece of work he’s teamed up with. These two take the fun out of dysfunctional.

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Oh, sure, with the writers strike sticking around like Britney Spears at an open bar, the networks are keeping a tight lid on their top-secret plans for 2008. Fortunately, your pal CT is in the know. So here, without further ado, are the hush-hush plot twists set to rock your favorite shows if and when the strike ever resolves itself.
 
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
After it’s revealed that her entire clan perished in that ratings stunt… er, tornado, Lynette cries for about three seconds before realizing that she’s been given a second chance. Quicker than you can say “extra pepperoni” she’s summoned Jason Gedrick — aka the only interesting thing about that stupid pizza parlor plot from a while ago — back for a little vo-de-oh-doh-doh. And expect jaws to drop when it turns out that gay neighbor Bob and Katherine Mayfair’s spouse, Adam, once shared a steamy history when both lived in a tiny Pennsylvania town called Llanview.
 
GOSSIP GIRL
My source on the set of the Upper East Side saga reveals that tongues will wag when it is revealed that Serena’s snippy grandma is actually the person behind the secret-spilling site which keeps tabs on N, B, C and the rest of the gang. That’s right… CeCe is GG!
 
LOST
Can’t wait three years to find out what will be revealed in the final episode? No need… because I’ve got the dirt. That scene in which Jack told Kate that they had to go back to the island and that leaving had been a huge mistake? What they didn’t show you was a demented fan (rumored to be none other than our pal Daniel, the TV Addict himself) standing just off-camera, holding a gun on Jack and demanding that the entire cast and crew head back to the island (aka Hawaii) and provide us with some damned answers ASAP!
 
SUPERNATURAL
Things will change forever where the Winchester boys are concerned after they cross paths with a vampire slaye and her bi-sexual Wiccan gal pal. Just as things heat up between Dean and the slayer, rumor has it a tall, dark and kinda monosyllabic vampire from her past will put in a most untimely appearance. Also, watch for a special Sweeps episode in which a demon shows the boys what life would have been like had they settled in a small Connecticut town with freakishly fast-talking residents. 
 
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So ONE TREE HILL will be back in a few weeks, and I find myself asking the age-old question: Am I so hard-up for new programs that I’ll give this monstrosity another try? I think we all know the answer. (Is there anybody out there actually excited about its return?) Could fast-forwarding the plot four years so that the 30something actors are now playing 20somethings instead of high school kids really work?

My housemates and I have decided that Bravo should do a new competition in which past contestants from PROJECT RUNWAY, TOP CHEF, TOP DESIGN and SHEER GENIUS compete against one another in a variety of competitions covered on their individual shows. The reality star who proves to be the best designer/chef/decorator/hairstylist will win, and we’ll call the show TOP, a title sure to appeal to the huge gay audience drawn in by Bravo’s competitions. (If you didn’t get that joke, you are so not among our dream show’s target audience.)

Forgive me, but I’m going on record as loving the crapfest known as CROWNED. It might help that I went into it with the lowest of low expectations, only to find myself laughing at — definitely not with — several of the mother/daughter duos competing for the prize. How can you not get a kick out of a show on which two women name their team Silent But Deadly without realizing that they’ve become a walking flatulence joke? And then there’s Patty and Laura, who define the word “insincere” with their every word, gesture and deed. Finally, there’s Angela, the kind of camera-ready drama queen whom you know spent the weeks before taping got under way figuring out the best way to make herself the center of attention. Her chosen course? Stirring up trouble at every turn. She’s a truly vile woman who represents the worst of what people often become on reality television. I’m not sure I really get the point of having the Cabana Boy around, but you know, I’ve never one to begrudge viewers pointless eye candy. (Although why you’d call him a Cabana Boy and not put him in a swim suit, I’m not sure. Then again, I don’t get why the guy isn’t 75 percent hotter.) It’s nice to see that Nick Verros (of PROJECT RUNWAY’s season 2) getting a little work, if only to show the would-be models that there is life after reality tv… if by “life” you mean landing a one-shot on another reality show. At this point, I’m hoping to see Hollis and Gina walk away with the crown since they’re the only ones who seem like truly decent people.

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