The TV Addict 

If there are oddly-named girls screaming, gay men strutting, sob stories being shared and booties shaking, it must mean another cycle of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL – the 10th, if anyone is counting — is beginning. Tonight, we meet nearly three dozen girls and, by the end of the hour, narrow the field to those who will join Ms. Tyra and company as the show returns to the town in which it all started back in 2003, New York City.

As always, the girls are… um, let’s go with “interesting.” My personal early fav is Lauren, who love zombie movies, is a self-professed weirdo and, when asked to show the panel a strong pose, turns her back to them. And if you aren’t laughing by the time one of the would-be models gives a lap dance while warbling an off-key tune, there’s something wrong with you.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. You won’t be laughing with these girls. You’ll be laughing at them.

And how can you not, when one proclaims over and over that she is a bitch, only to three seconds later freak out when another of the young not-quite-ladies asks, “Can I call you a bitch?” (Frankly, it’s a good thing they don’t all react negatively to the word, because it’s uttered every few moments. Tyra doesn’t set much of an example, using the word several times during her first meeting with the screaming wanna-bes.) And then there’s the requisite mama model, who misses her baby, is still lactating and admits to drinking the milk she’s pumping.

Yummy!

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It’s official. THE BACHELOR is the dumbest reality show on television. This week, buff bachelor Brad was stunned, absolutely stunned, I tell you, to learn that some of the girls were there for the wrong reason and might be (gasp!) models! These beautiful women who are willing and able to put their “careers” on hold for weeks in order to fight for the right to have a cheeseball slip a ring on her finger that will be sold to a pawn shop quicker than you can say “casting couch” aren’t there in the hope of finding everlasting love? I’m gonna need a while to recover from that one. And really, girls, ain’t he a catch? During the bikini-clad group date, he made out with one gal and then dissed her by giving that day’s rose to another girl. Oh, and he laughed at how bad another girl’s first kiss was. This has to be the most sexist show on television, with the women alternating between the swimsuit and evening gown competitions while vying for the attention of a dim bulb. One lady, rejected during the latest rose ceremony, actually said, “I came out here to find true love, and I meet this beautiful man… and just when my faith in relationships was beginning to be restored, I find myself out in the parking lot.” Yeah, life sucks that way sometimes, doesn’t it kids?

Speaking of reality, I really, really hate when a show which is supposedly competition-based keeps a contestant simply because they will create drama. Case in point? AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL’s Bianca so should have been given the boot last night, but instead Tyra – after admitting that all of the judges except her wanted to see the tempermental poser hit the road – ditched Kimberly. Why? You can bet your last false eyelash that it had a lot more to do with the fact that Bianca being a bitch-on-heels than any failing on Kimberly’s part. Meanwhile, although the show tried to paint Ebony as this season’s girl-you-love-to-hate, she’s turning out to be one of my favorites. Notice how when two of the girls got into a screaming match, the Ebster just sat back and laughed…

I’m beginning to think BIONIC WOMAN just ain’t a show for me. I’ve been a huge fan of Michelle Ryan’s for years, but this show just ain’t working for me. The opening credits should be mega cool but are, instead, cheap and uninspired. And shouldn’t Miguel Ferrer’s secret agent guy at least check the bathroom stalls before spitting out hush-hush exposition like, “We’re a private, clandestine group dedicated to stopping rogue organizations from ending civilization as we know it.” Was the fact that Jamie’s would-be bathroom lover was named Steve — you know, as in Austin — a coincidence or a subtle wink at the audience? Given the lighter tone of this episode than the pilot, I’m going to go with the former. Here’s what I don’t get: Why did NBC not go back and do some reshoots on the pilot when it was deemed too dark? By not doing so, they ran a double risk. After all, viewers turned off by the gloom-and-doom feeling of the pilot weren’t likely to return for the second episode, and those who loved the pilot probably weren’t going to enjoy having the show suddenly go for such cheap humor as a technician whacking our heroine on the head to stop her bionic ear from ringing. Have the networks forgotten the importance of first impressions?

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If there are screaming girls and men being addressed as “miss” while sashaying down the runway, it can only mean one thing: That’s right, AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL returned last night. Which girl do I favor? Please, at this point, who can tell them apart? Thankfully, the editors and producers worked hard to make sure at least several of this year’s walkers would fit into easily recognizable categories. We’ve got Ebony, the bitch, and Heather, the hunchbacked beauty. Of course, it wouldn’t be ANTM without a drama queen. And I’m not talking about a girl who stirs up trouble, but rather the chick who always looks like she’s about to cry. Last night, that prize went to Lisa, who really had no competition. During the final moments, when Tyra was announcing the names of the final 13, the camera cut to Lisa over and over as first her cheek twitched, then her eyebrow furrowed… as each name called proved not to be hers, Lisa verged closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. Which, of course, assured that hers would be the final name uttered by Tyra. Already, this batch of girls is luckier than those of any previous season (sorry, “cycle”): All 33 of the screaming mimi’s were flown to Puerto Rico, loaded onto a cruise ship and taken to a beautiful Caribbean beach for their first photo shoot. Guess Tyra and the J’s needed a vacation they could write off as a business expense. When the field was narrowed, the people I was watching with kept hoping that those not selected would be tossed overboard, especially after Jay indicated the castoffs would be “shipwrecked.” Alas, no. As far as we could tell, they were either flown back home or perhaps sold into slavery.

Oh, sure, I could be all snobby and say that Kristen Bell — who rocked our worlds as VERONICA MARS — deserves better than to be uttering lines like “There’s nothing Gossip Girl loves more than a good cat fight” as the heard-but-never-seen narrator of the new CW show named after her character’s website, but it would be hypocritical at best. Because there’s nothing CT loves more than a show about pretty people living dirty lives. Not surprisingly, GOSSIP GIRL — set, as it is, at an elite private school on Manhattan’s Upper West Side and attended by kids with last names like van der Woodsen and Waldorf — might well be the whitest show on television. This is the kind of show where girls named Serena and Blair refer to each other as S and B, and their horny young suitors combine neanderthalic tendencies with erudite verbosity, uttering such lines as, “There’s something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be violated.” Following in the footsteps of every teen drama in the history of television, our tale focuses on a misunderstood rich girl who can’t help being drawn to the school’s handsome young charity case. If you’re having visions of Marissa Cooper and Ryan Atwood, that’s entirely appropriate, since this frothy concoction comes from Josh Schwartz, the creator of THE OC. We even get hip, cool parents in the form of Kelly Rutherford and Matthew Settle. By the end of the premiere, we’d been treated to flashback sex, underage drinking, a cute meet, two attempted rapes and, of course, the prerequisite party at which a fight breaks out. In other words, this is the wildly addictive stuff that guilty pleasure seekers dream of.

Can someone please explain to me why ads for Vince Vaughn’s Christmas-themed movie, The Clause, ran during KID NATION, complete with the announcer declaring “This holiday season!” Look, I’ve accepted that the moment the Halloween candy has been taken off the shelves it’s replaced by Christmas crap. But for the love of St.Nick, we’re still a month away from All Saint’s Day!

Speaking of KID NATION, what did y’all think of the premiere? For me, it was a mixed bag. I couldnt’ help but be impressed by the kids, many of whom had better vocabularies than some adults I know. But at the same time, I’m just not a fan of reality shows which incorporate animal-related elements. When some of the boys went jack rabbit hunting, I had to flinch, just as I had earlier in the episode when the kids were roping sheep and chasing chickens. In the end, the show gives one hope for the future. As for all that controversy surrounding the series? Look, if I had kids, I’d rather they learn from an experience like this than from Britney or any of the other idiots so many of today’s children consider role models.

Halfway through a screener of the two-hour premiere of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (premiering tonight at 8 p.m./ET on The CW), a friend who crashed our viewing party said, “My God, these girls are as dumb as they are loud!” Perhaps he was referring to the endless screaching the would-be posers do each time host Tyra Banks enters the room, is mentioned or communicates with the girls via — come on, kids, shout it along with us — “Tyra mail!” Or maybe he was referring to 20-year old Kathleen, who seems incapable of comprehending such high-concept notions as being “anti-fur” during a photo shoot in which the girls are asked to act out political stances.

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If a girl is whining about having left her two children behind in order to pursue her dreams and another young lady — and we use the term loosely — is balking at the notion of doing a nude photo shoot, it must be time for the new season of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!

In many ways, this series — the latest edition of which debuts Wednesday, September 20 at 8 p.m. on The CW — is rather like junk food… which is ironic, considering the gals probably rarely touch the stuff. But think about it: Just like chowing down a Happy Meal from McDonald’s, you know exactly what you’re getting. And while it won’t be good for you, you’ll walk away oddly satisfied.

This season is no different. Every time Tyra Banks walks into a room, there is much screaming. (Then again, these gals scream at the drop of a hat, making one feel more than a little sorry for the poor sound guys. Here’s hoping they’re provided with a supply of earplugs.) And of course there’s the girl who makes it clear very early on that she’s not there to win friends. (And judging by her behavior in the two-hour pilot, she most certainly won’t!)

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Last night was the official CW LAUNCH PARTY on the WB main lot in Burbank California. Sadly, it seems my invitation was lost in the mail, but check out some great photos.

Photo Credit: Wire Image