LOST (9PM ABC, “A” in Canada)
…Instead, LOST fans will have to settle for Daniel Faraday, who in honor of the series’ 100th episode, will disclose what he knows about the island. So be sure to keep your fingers (and four toed statues) crossed that Faraday’s disclosure actually comes with some answers. Of course this being LOST, we wouldn’t recommend holding your breath…

AMERICAN IDOL (9PM FOX, CTV in Canada)
… Especially if you’re a Matt Giraud fan, we’re just sayin, after last night’s IDOL, things are not looking good for him. That and Danny Gokey will get a glimpse into his future when Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks performs.

WHAT WE’RE WATCHING:
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (9PM FOX, CTV in Canada)
It’s the AMAZING RACE, TOP MODEL style. With the five remaining ladies racing to impress five different designers at various modeling appointments while learning to navigate São Paulo Brazil. Impressive right? Especially when you factor in that they’re doing all this fueled only on Celery sticks.

CRIMINAL MINDS (9PM CBS, 8PM CTV in Canada)
Alex O’Loughlin sinks his teeth into tonight’s CRIMINAL MINDS playing a serial killer who reaches out to the team to help him stop. Now will you stop emailing us to “Save MOONLIGHT?”

BETTER OFF TED (8:30PM ABC, CityTV in Canada)
If you’re a fan of this off-beat comedy, tune in while you can. Rumors are circulating that Ted will soon be dead (read: not better off) This week, Linda winds up accidentally ingesting an experimental drug that gives her a whole lotta energy… and comes with a few unexpected side effects.

AMERICAN IDOL (9PM FOX, CTV in Canada)
Can’t we just name Adam the winner and call it a day?

LOST (9PM ABC, “A” in Canada)
Ben is kidnapped from the Dharma village’s infirmary, which seems to indicate that the hostiles have paid the townies a visit. Frankly, I’m just glad that we’ve stopped hop-scotching through time, at least for the moment.

NEW & NOTABLE:
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (8PM CW)
Dying to know where this year’s overseas location is? Tyra makes the big announcement at tonight’s judging session.

BONES (8PM FOX)
A bride-to-be winds up in the recycling bin, so Bones and Booth go digging through her dating history to find out who did her in.

THE UNUSUALS (10PM ABC)
In an action-packed outting, a notorious crime family stirs up all kinds of trouble, Shraeger digs into Walsh’s past and Cole’s former partner-in-crime pops up.

CSI: NY (10PM CBS, CTV in Canada)
Special Guest Star alert! Craig T. Nelson — you know, COACH! — plays a newspaper tycoon who may or may not have killed someone. The problem? The body is gone, forcing the CSI team to treat the investigation like a missing-person case as opposed to a murder.

LOST (9PM ABC, “A” in Canada)
Finally, one LOST mystery definitively solved: Ben is not Jewish. How else to explain the fact that he decided to call upon good Ol’ reliable smokey [monster] to atone for his sins on Passover rather than Yom Kippur!

AMERICAN IDOL (9PM FOX, CTV in Canada)
Moments before one of the remaining IDOL contestants [cough*cough*Scott MacIntyre*cough] has their dreams crushed in front of an audience of millions, Kellie Pickler performes the song “Best Days of Your Life.” Awkward.

THE UNUSUALS (10PM ABC, GlobalTV in Canada)
Has LIFE ON MARS ruined New York City-set police dramas for eternity? By which we mean, has Det. Casey Shraeger (Amber Tamblyn) really transferred from vice to homicide? Or will she awaken in sixteen episodes only to discover that it was all a dream and that it turns out she’s actually locked inside a cryogenic chamber on her way to Mars. Stay tuned…

NEW & NOTABLE:
LIE TO ME (8PM FOX, Global in Canada)
Would a beautiful woman really lie to an internet entrepreneur and marry him for his money? What’s this show called again?

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (8PM CW)
Are we the only one’s wondering what exactly Clay Aiken is doing judging models and at an acting class?

CSI: NY (10PM CBS, CTV in Canada)
A man in shot to death in an empty theater, but Stella soon realizes that the crime was staged…. well, that and WATCHMEN really didn’t hold up at the box office.

GARY UNMARRIED (8:30PM CBS)
Gary and Allison disagree on what extracurriculoar activities Louise should be involved with. Which should come as no surprise considering the show isn’t called GARY MARRIED.

AMERICAN IDOL (9PM FOX, CTV in Canada)
With apologies to Reuben Studdard’s painfully bland “Celebrate Me Home,” saying goodbye to IDOL hopefuls just a helluva lot easier thanks to former IDOL Carrie Underwood’s take no the Motley Crue ballad “Home Sweet Home.”

LIFE ON MARS (10PM ABC, Global in Canada)
Annie and Sam go undercover when a flight attendant is murdered. What’s more, the pair gets invited to a party by a bunch of swingers! And Gina Gershon guest stars! What more do you people want? Then again, the show’s been cancelled, so fine, I give up. Watch FLAVOR OF LOVE reruns on the TVGuide Network for all I care. But don’t come crying to me about the lack of decent programs out there!

DAMAGES (10PM FX)
All you need to know is right there in the title of tonight’s offering: “Uh Oh, Out Come The Skeletons!”

NEW & NOTABLE:
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (8PM CW)
Wait… it’s already makeover week? Bring on the tears!

THE PARENT TRAP (8PM Encore)
One of my all-time favorite Disney flicks in which… oh, hold up. This is the Lindsay Lohan remake? Er… never mind.

ALL MY CHILDREN (8PM SOAPnet)
Zach accuses Kendall of still being in love with Ryan. So much for “always, only you.” 

CRIMINAL MINDS (9PM CBS)
A series of murders have religious overtones. And it wouldn’t be a police procedural if one of the team didn’t have a personal tie to the case. I wonder how often that happens in real life? Anyone? Bueller?

HUMAN PRETY (9PM Animal Planet)
The sadist in me loves this show, on which the animal kingdom lashes out at humans, proving that every dog (and hippo and alligator) truly does have its day.

LAW & ORDER (10PM NBC)
The mistress of a big-wig in the financial world goes belly up. And not in the way that the government can bail out, either.

SOUTH PARK (10PM Comedy Central)
Two words: Jonas Brothers. Let the mockery commence.

MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL (10PM Bravo)
The big difference between this and AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL? It features male models as well as female. Oh, and there’s no Miss J. Really, who wants to live in a world without Miss J? (Mr. Jay, on the other hand, you can take. He’s annoying.)

LIFE ON MARS (10PM ABC)
WEST WING Alum Alert! Janel Moloney (aka. the artist formerly known as Donna Moss) guest stars as a political-science professor who may-or-may-not be tied to a group of student radicals.

NEW & NOTABLE:
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (8PM AMC)
At the risk of losing all credibility, we’re just gonna say it. We enjoyed TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES.

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (8PM CW)
What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas when Tyra selects the Top 13 contestants out of 34 would-be models and moves them to a loft in New York.

MOST DARING (9PM TruTV)
Most daring or most stupid? You decide when tonight’s installment of MOST DARING offers up tips on how to turn your school science project into a weapon. Really?

“There have been top supermodels in the past that weren’t as tall as the industry demands, like fashion icon Kate Moss,” announced Banks in a press release. “So we are changing up TOP MODEL for cycle 13 and making it a year for the shorter model!”

Unfortunately, what 2009 won’t be is the year for the smarter model. With theTVaddict.com recently learning that one additional requirement was this close to making the cut until host Tyra Banks deemed it far too unrealistic a challenge for potential TOP MODEL contestants to conquer. That requirement, according to our not-at-all-made-up source, was for potential TOP MODEL contestants to successfully be able to locate Iraq on a map. Thus, avoiding any embarrassing public appearances such as this one.

“As we continue to build The CW Network as a destination for young women, these six shows have clearly contributed to strengthening our schedule and our brand identity,” said The CW president Dawn Ostroff in a statement released to the media. “By securing these signature hits for next season, we’re furthering our commitment to deliver high-quality, original programming to our viewers, advertisers and affiliates.”

Unfortunately, noticeably absent from the announcement were pickups for high-quality scripted fare such as PRIVILEGED, REAPER, THE GAME and EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS. Whose fates are looking more and more perilous thanks to the increasing levels of buzz surrounding the CW’s upcoming development slate which includes such original ideas* like a GOSSIP GIRL spin-off, a MELROSE PLACE re-boot and VAMPIRE DIARIES, the network’s not at all subtle attempt at Twilight: The Television Series. [Source]

* Please note sarcasm

The faux flash-forward that kicked off the new season of ONE TREE HILL was the kind of thing that makes me realize just how much I underestimated this show in the past. Last year, I became a major fan, accepting that while the acting is sometimes laughably bad, there’s something undeniably addictive about this drama. How can I resist Brooke and her mom (the wonderfully bitchy Daphne Zuniga) trading zingers? Or hearing Skills tell Deb they should go public by saying to her son,, “Nate, look, I’m dating your mom. Sleeping with her. Doing all kinds of freaky stuff with her.” Heck, the show even made up for what I thought was one of last season’s bigger mistakes — the blink-and-you-missed-it resolution of the storyline involving Jamie’s nutty nanny — by bringing creepy Carrie back and making her Dan’s nasty nurse! The only thing not working for me? The lame Lucas/Peyton pairing. How incredibly predictable! Come on, wouldn’t it have been more interesting if Lucas had called Brooke? The chemistry between them — even in that brief scene that topped the episode — is far more incendiary than what passes for sparks where he and Peyton are concerned. But hey, they ain’t married yet, so there’s still hope!

How much do you wanna bet that when some DAILY SHOW staffer told Jon Stewart that McCain’s vice presidential choice had an married, knocked-up teenage daughter, the host thought he was being punked? And I’m not sure, but I’d be willing to bet that COUNTDOWN’s Keith Olbermann salivated at the news. I imagine that the folks over at FOX News immediately began working to spin the poor girl’s upcoming insta-marriage (just add shotgun!) as proof that “Republican family values” work. At this point, the Republicans should just name Larry Craig their Values Czar and be done with it.

Shark alert! If you want to see AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL chum the waters before leaping bravely over a hungry fish, tune in to the premiere of cycle 10 on Wednesday for what can only be described as a cheesetacular offering. And not in a good way. First, it appears Tyra and company think they’ve actually been on the air for 10 years, what with the hour kicking off with talk about how they’re ready to head into the next “decade”, completely ignoring the fact that while they have done 10 “cycles”, the first debuted in 2003. Things quickly get weird when the show takes the concept “fashion forward” to new lows, with Mr. Jay and Miss J emerging from an Area 51 like hangar wearing white wigs and mylar. I kid you not. (And can I just tell you that it ain’t a flattering look… somehow, the outfits give Mr. Jay moobs!) The wanna-be models then go into a silly “scanning” room to be photographed before Tyra finally emerges — in futuristic garb and metalic make-up — from a gigantic tube, leaving one poor, dumb creature to actually say she thought it was a Tyra doll. I think by now y’all know that I love me some reality television in general, and ANTM in particular, but I’m not gonna lie: This episode was hard to watch. Hopefully, by next week things will settle back in to the regular routine. You know, girls alternately screaming every time anyone enters the room and uttering reality cliches (”I’m not hear to make friends, I’m here to win!”) when not trying to throw one another under any vehicle in sight.

Who could have predicted when BIG BROTHER’s latest season started that Renny — who ticked everyone off back in week one — and Jerry would still be in the house? Or that Jerry, who I would have sworn was a dead man walking, would turn the house upside down by winning a Head of Household competition? I want Dan, who has proven to be the most interesting player since Doctor Will, to walk away this season’s winner, but between Jerry’s unexpected victory and the number of people in the jury house who have reason to hate Dan, it’s seeming increasingly unlikely.

Listen up, ’cause I’m only going to say this once: Thanks, you rapid worshippers of the Winchester boys, for using your powers for good by rallying to humble me into giving SUPERNATURAL a second look. If you hadn’t, I’d have missed a heck of a season, not to mention last night’s literally kick-ass finale. From the fantastic use of music (particularly Kansas’ “Carry On My Wayward Son”) to the fast-and-furious one-liners (my personal favorite? Dean referring to Ruby as “our slutty little Yoda”), this was a roller coaster of a ride made all the more emotional by the fact that you people got me to care about the Winchesters almost as much as they care for one another. Yes, the “Lillith in the suburbs” scenario was a little too reminiscent of one of my all-time favorite TWILIGHT ZONE episodes, but homages are one of the things this show does best. In fact, that final scene — with evil forces having gotten their “hooks” into Dean — reminded me of something right out of one of fav fright flicks, HELLRAISER. Yup, you fans totally reeled me into this show… heck, I’ve even kinda sorta maybe gotten used to that put-on voice Jensen uses.

Look, I want to be thrilled that a “plus-size” (read: normal) gal finally won AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. I really, really do. But… well, I can’t shake this nagging feeling that it was basically a set-up. Let’s face it, some strong girls — such as Claire and Dominique — were eliminated while weaker competitors (um, Anya? Seriously?) were kept in the running. Tyra and company have taken a lot of flak over the years, with the argument among fans and critics going something like this: “Why the hell do they bother having a plus-size girl in the mix when that gal never, ever wins?” Well, this year, they found a girl who just barely qualified as plus-size and, while not a great model, will no doubt get some work. And hell, she ain’t as bad as drag king Jaslene from a few cycles ago.

How weird is it that I get majorly excited by those teaser promos for 90210 — you know, the ones that show nothing but a palm tree as a modern version of the famous theme plays? — given that I never watched the original?

You’ve gotsta love the makeover episode of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, if only to see which girls will emerge looking hot and which will wind up on the “ghetto mess” side. Every year, a girl cries, and this year it was Fatima, who wept while getting a weave. Now I’m told by a friend who has had her fair share of weaves that it is a pretty awful process. But for God’s sake, Fatima was the victim of genital mutilation in her home country! Surely the discomfort of a weave can’t begin to compare to having your vagina sewn shut! Meanwhile, Allison was this week’s “oblivious moron”, what with her insistence that she rocked her photo shoot despite the fact that the photographer — who said of her “the lights are on, but nobody’s home” — and Mr. Jay were clearly unhappy with her performance. And just for the record, when Miss Tyra asks if you know how to say “thank you” and then the panel looks at you expectantly, be smart enough to say — all together now — thank you! Oh, a special note to the producers: We viewers are willing to put up with product placement, but there’s a limit. This single hour featured Apple Bottom jeans, specific Cover Girl products (as well as the weekly mention of the company with the makeup giant), Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart.com and Elle McPherson’s line of “knickers.” Frankly, I was amazed that with all those products to be placed, they found time for actual commercials!

Those special effects GENERAL HOSPITAL used for the climax of the Text-Message Killer storyline were phenomenal. You can’t create that kind of tension on a simple sound stage. And kudos to the soap for not airing that cool “behind-the-scenes” footage, which gave fans a glimpse into how they achieved the effects, until after the storyline had wrapped so as not to give away any of the twists. But now that Diego’s dead (again), Emily’s murder has been solved and Liz has survived her latest crisis, I have something to say on behalf of every person I know who watches this show, and it can be summed up in four words: Stop the violence. Seriously.

Can anyone tell me why the heck BIG BROTHER’s Julie Chen offered up, in excruciating detail, every nuance of the big twist that was about to unfurl? “In a moment,” she said in a tone that I suppose passes for excitement when dealing with the emotionless Chenbot, “the evicted houseguests will go to the door and find it locked. Then the alarm will sound and they will be called into the living room, where they will learn that they are no longer playing as couples, but will now be competing as individuals.” Way to take absolutely any suspense out of the next ten minutes. And how crushed was poor, “Matty”-obsessed Natalie upon finding out that he would no longer be forced to share her bed! Meanwhile, reason #4,3679 to love Crazy James (as he’s referred to in both the chat rooms and, perhaps not coincidentally, in his gay porn clip on the web): The producers obviously instructed each couple to “debate” who they were going to vote to evict, and James turned it into an exercise in mockery. Chelsea could barely keep a straight face during their diary room interview.